Complete lack of acountability...

      Well, about a week after we brought the baby back, we did receive an email from "Racy" checking in to see how things were going.  As you can imagine we were struggling with what had happened and, the fact that she seemed to completely disregard the magnitude of this particular adoption had me apprehensive of even replying to her email.  However, I did respond simply saying that we were doing alright.  That was the last correspondence we had with "Racy".
     Over approximately the next eight weeks I spoke with several of the agency's staff including their administrative assistant, regarding my complaints and concerns.  I asked "Stacy" to have the agency's executive director call me but, I was told she was unavailable and I subsequently never heard from her.  I continued discussing with "Stacy" why I was upset, going back over the fact that "Racy" did not return calls in a timely manner sometimes not at all.  We went over her overall lack of professionalism is facilitating our particular adoption.  "Stacy" as in past conversations agreed with me and said I had every right to be upset and that "Racy" did not do her job.  (a little side note: I do have all the emails from the agency including one in particular that "Racy" sent about a week after I had left a message for her to call me, stating she was sorry she still hadn't called me back.)  I also discussed in great detail with "Stacy" how important it was for us to work with a birth mother who was going to receive post par tum counseling and why.  I questioned again WHY were we told point blank that YES "Racy" was going to be giving birth mom post partum counseling when she knew full well that is not something she should guarantee.  Of course I was assured that she tried to give birth mom post partum counseling but birth mom declined on several occasions.  Well, that's all fine however, we were told she would receive the counseling, and it is also in the contract that we signed that birth mom would receive an estimated five hours of counseling.  If we would have been told that the agency would encourage birth mom to take advantage of the counseling but couldn't guarantee that she would receive it we could have went back to birth mom and ask her if she would agree to the post partum counseling.  At that point if she declined we could have waited to be chosen by a birth mom who would agree to post partum counseling.  Which would have saved ourselves a lot of money but, most importantly saved us, and our wonderful, loving, supportive family and friends the unbelievable heartbreak that this failed adoption caused.  I would like to add that when we met "Racy" at the hospital to sign documents before bringing baby home, I asked Racy directly again if she would be giving birth mom post patum counseling?  I told her that I could tell birth mom was going to need it. She responded by saying that she had brought literature on support groups birth mom might be interested in.  Again I said, "That is good but will YOU be giving her counseling?"  She replied that YES SHE would be giving birth mom counseling. So, that was two opportunities for "Racy" to be honest and she chose as far as the post partum counseling goes and she chose not to be.  How heartbreaking to think that she thought she could decide what was best for our family, rather that us. Further more how heartbreaking to think that her actions were now being defended by other agency staff.  What kind of accountability is that?  Setting aside the fact that the contract confirms that the agency will give post partum counseling, I asked directly and, clearly the social worker did not feel that she had to be completely honest with us. Even if she would have told us at the hospital that she couldn't guarantee the counseling we could have opted to have baby placed in bridge care (kind of a private foster care that adoptive families pay for).  That way we if the termination of parental rights didn't go through we wouldn't have had that time to bond with baby, taken off six weeks of work, etc.  However due to "Racy's" lack of moral responsibility we didn't have that option.  Just a reminder that the counseling is prepaid and included in the "Birth Parent Counseling" which in this contract is $3000.00.
     After discussing with "Stacy" these issues, it was determined that she did not have the authority to resolve this situation to my satisfaction so she was going to have the agency's administrative assistant call me.  One of the ideas I had was for them to change the language of their contract to not be misleading. I also expressed interest that perhaps they could refund me the value of what the post partum counseling would have been ($500.00).  As the agency charges counseling at a rate of $100.00 per hr. I also expressed that I would like an apology from the agency for not being honest with us in regards to the counseling and, for the less that professional service we received in general.
     Several days later I received a call from the agency's administrative assistant.  Needless to say it did not go well.  After going over my concerns with her and my ideas for resolving them she of course defended the agency.  In regards to receiving any money back, she reminded me that it was non refundable and non transferable therefore no part of the deposit could be refunded to us.  As I understand that it does say in the contract that the deposit is non refundable considering the circumstances I would think they could have made an exception.  It also says in the contract that the birth mother will receive an estimated five hours of  post partum counseling and we were told by your social worker that birth mom would receive that counseling.  So, how about trying to be accountable and make it right.  Her response was, "We don't give money back".  I was speechless!  literally!  I did not know what to say to her anymore.  I couldn't believe how uncompassionate they were being.  As I told her how I felt that our good intentions were exploited by the agency,  my heart was sank.  I realized they really did not care.  She said there was nothing they could do and good luck in the future.
     There are many more MAJOR things that agency did that I think you are going to find hard to believe. I will be posting about them in the coming days.  Also I will be posting the agency contract very soon so you can see exactly what I am talking about.  All I can say is unbelievable!  One more thing...I am writing this blog so that others who might consider adoption are a little more educated on things they may not think they have to worry about.  Thank you for reading this, you never know how much heartache you might save a family by having this information, and sharing it.
     
      
    
 

Nearing the end...

     Well, several weeks had past since we brought baby home, the time was magical and seemed to pass by so quickly.  The contact with birth mom continued with lots of texts, and many phone calls.  Everything seemed to be fine as far as that went.  There was nothing that made me feel that birth mom was thinking about changing her mind.  During our conservations birth mom had expressed that she would like to come and visit once more before the termination hearing.  So, we set up a day for her to come back to our house for a visit.  We thought it would be a good opportunity to ask her if there was anything further she wanted to talk about, anything she wanted us to clarify, or generally any worries we might be able to set to rest for her. 
     The day came for another visit from birth mom and some of her family.  It again was a very pleasant visit, I had framed a few pictures of the baby so I gave those to her.  We gave her the opportunity to ask us any questions or discuss any concerns she might have.   At one point she did ask how our family would welcome her,  we assured her that our family and friends would welcome her into the family with open arms.  I mean she was giving us to most beautiful precious gift anyone could give.  So it all seemed good, she hadn't anything more she was concerned about.  After enjoying another wonderful dinner with her it was time for her to leave.  It was not at all awkward it just seemed as if we were continuing to build our relationship with her, I mean she was going to be a big part of our life.
     The termination of parental rights hearing was fast approaching.  Contact continued with birth mom sending her pictures, and texts with the occasional phone call.  One conversation that sticks out is one in which birth mom and I discussed in great detail, the future.  How she would play a role in baby's life, being there for the first day of school, us being there for big events in her life, talks the we would have with baby in the future, etc.  She seemed to be at peace with her decision.
     The day was here!  It was the court hearing for birth mom to terminate her parental rights.  Such a big day for everyone with every emotion possible.  You can imagine my surprise when I received a text from birth mom saying she needed more time to decide if this is what she wanted to do.  I got that message from her about an hour before the hearing was scheduled.  I didn't know what to think.  I immediately called "Racy" to let her know what was going on.  She was at the court house at that time also.  She said she would talk to birth mom and call me back.  About 15 minutes later she did call back, stating she had talked to birth mom and birth mom really wanted more time to decide, so they were going to ask the judge to grant that.  The judge granted  birth mom with more time and resceduled the hearing for 6 weeks later.  After the hearing I recieved a phone call from "Racy", the lawyer, and the gaurdian ad litem.  They said they were all surprised at what happened, they explained to me what happened in court (which from my understanding wasn't pleasant ecspecially for birth mom). 
     "Racy", called a few day later saying that she talked with others at the agency and birth mom and they thought it might help birth mom with her decision if she took the baby for the weekend.  We really were not sure what to think but, agreed to meet birth mom and "Racy" at a location so birth mom could take baby for the weekend.  Needless to say that was the longest, least fun weekend we have ever had!  We missed baby so much!  Finally it was time to go pick baby up.  Everything went well, however, at that moment I could tell, birth mom really wanted her baby....I felt bad for her.  So, it was not a surprise when a few days later birth mom sent me a message saying she was really sorry but, she wanted baby back.  We were devistated.  There are liteally no words to describe what we were feeling.  I called "Racy" to tell her and to let her know that we would want to get it over asap.  I then called birth mom, it was a difficult call.  She was very apologetic.  We agreed on a time to bring baby back to her, I let "Racy" know the date and time. 
    The day had come it was time to bring baby back to birth mom.  My partner had a difficult time with this and decided to not come with to bring baby back.  It was just to hard.  A family member of mine came with me for support.  Upon arrival, I took some time to say good bye to my little angel.  one last diaper change, a few more little words of wisdom from daddy. not that baby knew what I was talking about.  I was just hoping somewhere in her soul she would know how much she was and always will be loved by us and our family and friends.  Into the agency we headed.  "Racy" was in the office sitting "crosslegged" on an office desk....real professional...but not out of character for her.  I paced back and forth, anticipating birth mom's arrival.  She arrived and her and I talked a bit, I told her baby's schedule and that was about it.  We signed some papers and I walked birth mom and baby to their car and said goodbye.  Never saw ""Racy" again after stepping out of the office.
      It is hard to explain but, I have a lot of respect for birth mom, with that single descion, she had to make some incredible sacrifices...immediately.  We never would want a birth mom to regret her descion.  I would also like you all to know that this particular lady is a wonderful, loving individual whom from the very begining of this journey only wanted the best for her baby.  None of the problems we had with this failed adoption were with her but with the agency.
    Now come the unbelivable actions of an agency I had really thought would have had their clients best intrests in mind.....boy was I wrong!

Continued contact....

       So after alot of communication between birth mom and us a visit was scheduled for birth mom to come to our home and visit baby.  At first we were not sure what to think, would she see baby and want to have her back?...would she see how much we loved the baby and how well we were taking care of her and realize that she had made the right desicion by choosing us for her baby's forever home?...We really had know idea what to think.  "Racy" told us to go ahead with the visit, that it would probably put birth mom's mind at rest.  She added that she had not experienced this with any other adoption that she had worked on.  Now I cant remember for sure however, I did ask her how long she had been with the agency and I am 98% sure she said a little over a year.  Which did not really put me at ease.

     It was a wonderful visit, we gave birth mom and some of her family that came along for the visit a tour of our home, and the baby's nursery.  Birth mom told us the nursery looked like something out of a magazine!  That made us feel really good...I guess the fact that we had got some "approval" from her.  We made lunch for everyone and shared some storeies, and a few little laughs.  Birth mom did hold baby for a while.  After several hours it was time to say good bye.  We exchanged hugs and well wishes and said good bye.  Everything seemed to have went really good, considering we had know idea what to expect.  We really felt our relationship with birth mom had deepend with that visit.  Just a little side note, the visit was during the weekend.

    The following Wednesday I recieved a phone call from the social worker we had worked with on our FIRST adoption (I will refer to her as Stacy).  I was puzzled, although a wonderful social worker, she had nothing to do with this adoption actually, she was from a one of the agency's other offices.  "Stacy" asked how the visit with birth mom went.  I replied, really nice and proceeded to fill her in on topics we discussed, and just how everything went.  Then she continued by telling me that she had gotten an EMAIL from "Racy" stating that birth mom was "wavering", and having a hard time with things.....first of all an EMAIL!..really.  I asked "Stacy" why hadn't "Racy" called me?  Why was she having a worker who had nothing to do with the case call me to tell me this information?  It seemed like a phone call from "Racy" was warranted, considering the alleged changes in birth mom's feelings.  She also agreed with me that "Racy" should be the one calling as "Stacy" really did not know any thing about the case.   Another thing to point out is that "Stacy" told me that it is the social workers job to do whatever it takes to meet with a birth mom and counsel them.    She continued to explain to me how she had to recently go above and beyond with one on the birth moms she was working with and that "Racy" wasn't doing her job.  "Stacy" directed me to act as nothing was wrong and continue contact with birth mom as we had been.  She told me that if she heard anything further she would let me know.  I really did not know what to think., of coures we did what we were told I mean they are the experts right?..I told "Stacy" that I expected a phone call from "Racy", she assured me she would let her know.

   Guess who we did not here from?  Yep, "Racy"....after a week had passed and I hadn't heard anything from her-- I phoned her.  Surprisingly she did not answer.  I tried several times and then left a message for her to call me.  Finally, I recieved a call back from her and of course I missed the it but, she did leave a message.  It said, in a very soft, whiny, tone..".Birth mom hasnt changed she is still having a hard time with it.  You can call me back if you want." Well, since I called you yes, I probably want to talk to you.  So, I called her back, and couldnt reach her again after several attempts.  Now, we were not only worried but starting to get upset with "Racy". It was such an emotional rollercoaster.  I wanted and needed to know what was going on!  Had birth mom called? text? Words cannot describe the feelings we were having it was so stressful to not have the social worker to rely on, we did not know what to do.  We did the only thing we could, roll with it until we heard differently.  We still had this wonderful baby to take care of and enjoy, so thats what we did.  Of course the drama with the social worker and agency was not over....

I know that using the names "Stacy" and "Racy" seems odd and they don't excatly roll off the tounge with ease, to keep as true to the story as possible I must have them sound very similar.

  

More.....

After about a month the day had finally arrived, baby was coming!  We headed to the hospital early in the morning, anticipating being parents!  It was so exciting, words cannot explain the feelings we were having, true happiness!  Baby was born late that evening.  We spent four days at the hospital with baby, birth mom, and some of her family & friends.  A beautiful relationship developed in that time between birth mom, her family and us. Just a note...I let "Racy" know the date, time of birth, and full name a baby, after baby was born....this info needed to be forwarded to the lawyer so legal actions could begin.

There was some paper work that needed to be signed by birth mom and us in order to bring baby home.  I had touched base via a phone call the day before to set up a time with "Racy" to meet us at the hospital so she could bring that paperwork for us to sign. She showed up slightly late, and in less than professionally acceptable attire, as seemed her "norm".  As we waited with her in the waiting area of the hospital (birth mom had visitors leaving)  she had us sign the required paper work.  I noticed her shuffling around some papers that she said was literature for birth mom.  At that time I expressed to "Racy" my concerns of the emotional state of birth mom.  I asked her again...will you be giving birth mom counseling? Because, I can tell she is going to need it.  "Racy's"  immediate response was  "Yes", I have literature for her on several support groups that she might be interested in.  My reply was..that's good but are YOU going to be giving her counseling?  Her reply again was "oh,yes".  At that, we headed into birth mom's room "Racy" explained to birth mom what she was about to sign, and birth mom signed the required documents.  "Racy" admired baby and then departed the hospital.

The next day was the big day.  We were bring our little angel home!  Birth mom left the hospital shortly before us.  We spent some time in the nursery with hospital staff excitedly going through baby 101.  Then into the car on the way home!  We had exchanged a few messages with birth mom that eve, she expressed her happiness for us but let us know it was difficult for her.-understandably.  We continued contact with birth mom, even sending many pictures of baby.  I called "Racy" just to let her know about the level of contact we were having with birth mom, she said it was normal and encouraged us to continue it.(which we did not have a problem with as we had every intention of a continued relationship with birth mom for the rest of our lives).  This is something we had discussed and decided would be best for baby, it is refered to as an "open adoption".

The Saga Begins...

The Social worker (who I will refer to as "Racy") who had been meeting with the birth family that wanted to meet us called and we set up a meeting with the birth family.  A few days later we found ourselves at the agency's office with the birth family!  The meeting lasted about an hour and went very well.  After the birth family left we took the opportunity to ask the social worker a few more questions.  My biggest area of interest was how much counseling the birth mother had and, how prepared she was to give her baby up for adoption...I wanted it to be the right decision for everyone involved.  I asked "Racy", has birth mom received a lot of counseling?..her reply was, Tons!  Then I asked her the most important question..Will she be getting post partum counseling?  The answer  was Yes!...We had a few more exchanges, and then headed home waiting to here if the birth mother was still interested in placing her baby with us.  About an hour later we got the call,..birth mom wanted to go ahead and place her baby with us! 

Now we had lots of preparing to do as we only had about a month before babies arrival!  It was so exciting!  All of our family and friends were so involved and excited for us, it was a true blessing.

We had 5 days to sign the contract and send a non refundable deposit of $3000.00 to the agency.  Just a note that the 3000.00 is for birth parent counseling, advertising, office equipment, staff, answering phone calls, local travel, and follow-up work (that's what the contract states).  I want to note that in the contract it also states... "Birth parent counseling AFTER placement to resolve loss and grief will continue for an estimated 5 hours.  If additional counseling over 5 hours to the birth parent(s) is required, the agency will ask the adoptive family to pay for these services.  The same rates apply as prior to placement."  So as you can see one would assume that the birth mother was going to be receiving counseling after the baby was born. This was one of the most important requirements to us.  Keep in mind that I do understand know that no matter how much counseling a birth parent receives, that does not mean they wont change their minds or have second thoughts.  However at least then you know they have had professional counseling services that may help them sort through feelings they maybe having.

From the top...

Several years ago we decided we wanted to make a difference in the life of a child/children and fill our lives with the joys of helping them become happy, healthy, loving, inspired, I could go on and on.  After lots of long talks and deep discussions we decided to become foster parents.  That is what got it all started.  We were approached by someone who knew we were interested in growing our family, they knew of someone who was considering finding a loving home for her unborn child.  A meeting was set and we all decided to proceed with an independent adoption.  Unfortunately after having the baby home for several days the birth family had a change of heart and decided to raise the baby themselves.  It was difficult but, it was the right of the birth family and we respected that.  That experience is what led us to the agency I will be referring to in this blog.  I would just like to note that we had a good experience with the independent adoption in regards to the agency.  This took place in 2010.

After several months of healing, the adoption agency that we worked with called to check and see how we were doing.  We decided to go into their office and talk about potentially signing up for their infant adoption program.  The cost was $300.00 and included our profile being on their website and "scrapbooks" of pictures and a letter to potential birth parents that we prepared to be distributed to each one of the agency's offices. (3 total-all in Wisconsin).  If we were picked by a birth family we would meet with them and decide if we were a good match.  We went for it!  Well guess what happened?,  we were picked after being on the agency profile for just a few months!  After meeting with the family, they decided that adoption wasn't the road they wanted to take:(  Back on the list.

About a month or so later we got another call from the agency!  We were picked again!  We felt so lucky!  By this time I had done a lot more research on what a birth mother goes through before, during, and after the birth of her child.  I wanted to make sure we were as educated as possible on this particular subject to protect us and to help us make the best decision in deciding whether or not to work with a particular birth family.  I never thought the agency could be potentially preying on our desire to bring a child into our lives.....

Just The Begining.

Welcome! Thanks for checking out my blog.  I have created this blog to expose the business practices of an adoption agency in my community and their sister agency.  The goal is to share my story with as many people as possible especially those out there who are considering adoption (both those seeking a loving home for their child and those looking to grow their family through adoption).  As you will soon see, all agencies are not looking out for the best intrests of their clients.  I will post personal feelings, opinions, and facts related to my experience.  I look forward to sharing with you all and, look forward to your continued support-could not do it with out you! I promise the contents of this blog will SURPRISE and make you wonder how some of the practices by these agencies are legal.